Archive for May 18th, 2009

YOUR MARITAL HEALTH/SEX AND PROBLEMS OF DAILY LIVING: SEXUALITY’S DIRTY DOZEN

Monday, May 18th, 2009

1. Loss

2. Parenting

3. Parenting parents

4. Work or career problems

5. Financial problems

6. Balancing outside relationships with marriage

7. Problems fitting recreation into relationship

8. Relocating, moving to a new home

9. Problems with transitional life phases

10. Insufficient time or poor time management

11. Counterproductiveness and ineffectiveness of institutions

12. Difficulties in living and loving according to morals, values, attitudes, and beliefs

The husbands’ and wives’ quotes were reported in the same order as the problems list above. This list represents some of the major obstacles to super marital sex. Go through the list one more time and assign points for your marriage on each item on a 0-to-10 scale, with 0 representing no such problems now and 10 representing severe problems in that category. Talk it over with your spouses and decide on a number value for each item.

The average score for the thousand couples on this test was 68 points of a maximum 120 “sexual stress points.” The average for four thousand other couples who took this brief test during some of my lectures was 53. The couples found it helpful to convert this score to a percentage by dividing their score by the total possible 120 points, resulting in about 44 percent of possible sexual stress points for the lecture groups who were not coming for specific sexual help and 57 percent for the clinic group. At five-year follow-up, the clinic couples averaged a score of 24, or 20 percent. Their stress points were significantly reduced because of time, treatment, improved sexual life, or change in life circumstances. I have never seen a couple accomplish super marital sex without significantly reducing their percentage on this test. This chapter is about ways in which you may reduce this percentage together as another step to super marital sexuality.

I tell my patients to remember three “grabbing” techniques when facing life’s transitional problems. These techniques include sup-tins each other, holding on to your sense of humor, even at the worst of times, and clinging to your belief system and the faith that your super marriage will be able to cope.

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MARITAL HEALTH/LOVE LIE : “LOVE IS SEPARATE FROM SEX. “

Monday, May 18th, 2009

She is just not able to separate love from sex. She thinks they’re exactly the same thing. If she’s turned on, she says she wants to “make love.” She really means that she wants to make sex, but she just has to make them the same in her mind.

HUSBAND

If the nineteenth century attempted a sexless love, then the twentieth century tried for loveless sex. Both efforts failed. Freud taught that love and sex could not be separated, and this view was incorrectly translated to the idea that love was sex or that sex was love. As the clouds and sky cannot be separated, they also are not the same thing. One would not exist without the other, they are part of a system, and so it is with sex and love.

The couples spent hours on their tapes debating the issue of who wanted sex, who wanted love, who needed more love for better sex or better sex for more love. The division is completely artificial. As psychoanalyst Reuben Fine states, “Both love and sex are essential for a full life.”

Love is the feeling and behavior of bonding. Sex is one of the bonding behaviors, the physical merging part of love. A problem is created when we equate that merging exclusively with a genital merging. Touching a shoulder, exchanging a glance, cuddling a child or parent, all are sexual acts and all are part of bonding.

Bonding is a mature, intentional, behavior as well as a feeling. Attachment, on the other hand, is an immature, childlike relationship pattern. I learned early in my work that the couples who had bonded experienced an easier remediation of any sexual difficulty. The couples who had “attached,” dependently and immaturely “linked to” one another, had considerably more difficulty solving sexual problems. They had not been able to integrate sex and love in their own minds, hearts, and relationships.

Ask yourself about your own relationship. Is it a “bond” or an “attachment”?

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