Self-conscious conversation

“No reason at all. No reason at all. I know I am just as good as the others. Just ill at ease with them for no reason at all.

They are talking, joking, happy. They are all so natural. Feel I should say something. Think of something good to say. Can’t get the chance to say it. So butt in. But the subject has changed to something else. It just sounds stupid. Then more ill at ease than ever. I don’t know.

‘It breaks up. They move on. The ring of their jaunty footsteps echoes their light-heartedness. I leave. Then start brooding over what I’ve said. All the time knowing it is all so trivial.

‘The next day, and the day after, it crowds in on my mind. Life should not be like this.”

A high level of anxiety keeps alerting our mind and making us self-conscious. The self-consciousness increases our anxiety still further, and a vicious circle mechanism is established.

The answer. Secure enough to talk if we wish to. Secure enough to remain silent, if that is what we want. Inner security comes to us when our brain runs easy, interpreting the messages as they come to it.

The drift apart

“I love her. Really love her. Don’t doubt me on that. But something within me tells me, we must break it up. Why? I can’t explain. Can’t possibly explain. Living together three years. Still love her. Must be my love has changed. Somehow a feeling of emptiness. What is the purpose. What does it all mean? Sex, everything. It’s all good. Tried to talk to her about ultimate being. She didn’t understand. Just happily relaxed about it. Mildly amused. Is that good enough? Life together, but on a different wavelength. I must break it up.

‘But how? How can I break it up without hurting her? Sex last night. Something you could not surpass. That does not make it any easier. Keep the sex, and not her soul! That would be cheating. I don’t want that.

‘Final exams in two months. Should come top. What does it matter? End up nowhere”

His brain is muddled with idealistic introspection. He is likely to come under stress, and his examination results will suffer. I have seen other young people, girls and young men, caught in similar situations. ‘What is a degree? A piece of paper. I want more in life than that.’ Some have dropped out. In a year or two they have found that a degree would have been a help in furthering their idealistic aspirations in a practical way.

He would agree that we are all individuals. And he would readily apply this to himself. Yet he denies this same individuality to his girlfriend. He has not lived long enough to learn that love transcends individual idiosyncrasies.

Young people often forget the naturalness of it all. Love is for loving. It is a tender process. And is easily bruised, harmed or even destroyed by the bite of intellectual examination. If ever a man should just let his mind run quiet, it is he.

There are, however, practical considerations that can save some of the stress. If there has to be a break up, better by far that it should come about by a gradual drift apart, rather than some terrible confrontation and attempts to give reasons in words, which in this case are really no more than toys of the intellect.


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