Fear of being “no good in bed”. This is a fear that holds you back, stops you taking initiatives, breaks the momentum. You do nothing for fear of doing it clumsily.
From what I have said in this book, you now know what a man expects of you. That is a first step. You now have to make the shift from theory to practice. Here too communication is important. Ask your partner if he likes what you are doing, talk to him while stimulating him, note his reactions and what he says. Be a perfectionist. No man expects you to become the ideal lover from one day to the next, and no woman expects that of a man. You have all your life ahead of you to reach the peak. Rather than turning in on yourself, take initiatives; use your imagination to find variations that will break the monotony of the usual ritual. And above all do not give the impression you are dutifully carrying out a chore. Do what you do attentively, enthusiastically, and with pleasure.
The fear of becoming pregnant. These days no one need become pregnant without wanting to. If you are not sufficiently well informed about ways of avoiding pregnancy, you will find some information in the chapter on contraception and family planning later on in this book.
Strangely enough, there are women who only reach a climax if they have no contraception and so stand a chance of becoming pregnant. And this is especially strongly felt at the most fertile stage of their menstrual cycle. These are rare cases, however.
Fear of orgasm. This is a more frequent inhibition than one might think. The sexual climax has been called the “little death”; you are afraid of passing out, of coming so intensely you lose all self control, of being at the mercy of the man who has made you come; you feel ashamed to have him hear if you involuntarily cry out or moan.
If you have never had an orgasm, begin by masturbating on your own. This way you will learn what you can expect to feel when you make love with your partner.
Remember your partner expects you to express your joy. On the contrary: he will feel frustrated if you do not give voice, whole-heartedly, to the pleasure he is giving you.
Many women do not have orgasms for the sole reason that they reject it – even if this is unconscious. Do not be one of them. Let yourself go. Most of all, let yourself shout out your enjoyment.
Other problems within the couple are due to a lessening, or even an absence, of the sex drive.
You have recently had a baby and you do not feel like making love.
This is perfectly natural even from a physical point of view, especially if it was a difficult birth. It takes six to eight weeks for the pain in the genital area to die down completely. Don’t hesitate to tell your partner. He may not have realized. He must go gently, and if he hurts you, you must tell him so kindly. Make up for a rather dry vagina with a gentle lubricant. Try to avoid reflex muscular contractions of the vagina: during intercourse, push as you learnt to do in labour.
The lack of desire may also have a psychological cause: a transfer of affection from the partner to the child. Watch out for this. Many men find new lovers soon after the arrival of a baby. Your maternal love must not be allowed to affect your sex life.
Another reason for low sex drive can be post-natal depression. If you feel severely depressed, don’t tell yourself it will sort itself out. See your doctor, this is the only way you will sort it out.
Whatever the reason for your lack of sexual appetite, remind yourself that your husband’s sexual needs and desires continue unchanged throughout your pregnancy and after. Do not leave him wanting! This is the best moment to perfect your skill in the art of fellatio.